It is with great regard that I submit to the honorable students, faculty and staff of KSU a nomination for the 2012 Nobel Peace Prize. While standard practices indicate that nominations require a special form and any semblance of legitimacy, I forgot to download the paperwork from the Nobel website. Just roll with me here.
The primary impetus for nominating Arthur Clancy Yogarpantas Jr., without sole regard to his merits in racial relations and peace promotion, is his role in conceptualizing and developing the aptly-named yoga pant. Dr. Yogarpantas, of course, is not the only scientist to have spent the better part of his or her life attempting to improve the world or making humanity more prosperous; he is, however, the only person to invent yoga pants and that’s pretty good.
Arthur Yogarpantas was born on April 25, 1946 into a family of poor textile workers. Spending his early years learning the trade of his kinfolk, a young Yogarpantas pledged to one day create a garment so revolutionary that it would change the course of history, a garment that the good doctor would come to design by complete chance in 1977. Lucky for the citizens of the world, Yogarpantas drafted and sent a letter to his brother, Steve. We are able to look back upon this classic dispatch and attempt to understand the doctor’s mindset.
“In the honorable spirit of truthful discourse, my dearest brother, it is right that I say to you this dark secret,” he writes, “that while in the humble pursuit of craftsmanship I have created a garment sure to alter our great country’s future.” Yogarpantas went to describe the full design of modern yoga pants, highlighting numerous scientific leaps he would be the first to make. Closing his letter with great sentiment, the doctor shares with his family, “But seriously dude, you gotta see the ladies in these pants.”
It was that evening that Dr. Yogarpantas shared dinner with an anonymous test subject, known only in records as Subject DD. It was during this meal that the doctor presented a beta version of his new product to the first female recipient. The yoga pants were met with unrestrained approval.
From his lab, Yogarpantas released his new garment into Western culture. Soon, every woman on Earth was wearing yoga pants. Recollecting the success of his trousers in a letter to the editor of Maxim Magazine, the doctor wrote, “I like butts.”
Whether capped by high heels, pink Sketchers or knee-high boots, yoga pants rapidly became the article of choice for women’s wardrobes, specifically for women in their late teens and early 20s. By 2011, every single woman everywhere was wearing yoga pants. All of them.
Critics of Dr. Yogarpantas claim that yoga pants lead to severe sexual confusion in male human beings, but no conclusive evidence has been produced to back this accusation. At the highest point of critique, a make-believe survey that was not conducted resulted in a thesis that I am not the only person that sees yoga pants on women and feels like I’m cheating somehow. Right?
I ask of you, good gentlemen of KSU, to support this humble nomination by writing to the Nobel authority in patronage of Dr. Yogarpantas.
I ask of you, good women of the same prestigious university, to offer your feminine encouragement by continuing, with firm resolve, to wear articles of clothing that leave so little to my imagination. I can see your fallopian tubes, ladies, and I appreciate you for it.