Treehouse with a “No Girls Allowed” sign. August 25th, 2017. Photo Credit: @WritersOfWords on X
[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements and statistics are fabricated.]
As the new semester begins, Kennesaw State University (KSU) is working to provide students with more campus services, and after much deliberation, has decided to implement a new and innovative program.
In light of President Trump’s DEI shutdown, many students were concerned over the removal of resource centers such as the Women’s Resource Center.
Luckily, KSU President Kathy Schwaig heard these pleas and created a new resource center to counteract these rollbacks: the Men’s Resource Center.
Schwaig felt this was the best use for school funding to directly address the issue, as it “still supports gendered students while also combating the male loneliness epidemic.”
Little does Kathy know that this epidemic was home-brewed in Discord servers and beer-pong tournaments. It’s like a person shooting themselves in the foot and calling it cancer.
Some students feel this resource center is a slap in the face after the recent budget cuts and restrictions placed on other resource centers across the university. One student even asked what the difference was between this new resource center and the Taco Mac during Sunday night football.
However, President Schwaig assured students in a recent press conference that their tuition is being well-spent on necessities like baseball fields and resource centers to “engage positive masculinity.”
Nothing screams emotional stability like baseball and all-male support groups.
During the first few days of the semester, the resource center had its first tabling event at the student center, giving male students the chance to hear the words “I’m proud of you” from dad volunteers. Another booth handed out an emotion wheel, so men could better identify and describe those funny little flutters in their chest called feelings.
The new Men’s Resource Center is hit or miss for many, but it gives men the chance to experience empathy for the first time without having to pay for an ayahuasca retreat or SSRIs.
Despite the ebb and flow of the resource center, President Schwaig wants to replicate the small successes from this new program by creating ones just like it.
Vice-President JD Vance’s recent remarks that “You don’t have to apologize for being white anymore” have inspired Schwaig to fund a new White Resource Center, where students can delight in under-seasoned meals and discuss the cultures they’re proud of stealing from.
Unfortunately, the resource center had to end their first support meeting, as too many people showed up with Confederate flags and suspicious white hoods with eye holes.
Schwaig has held off on implementing other resource centers but hopes that Spring 2026 will bring more opportunities. Perhaps a Straight Resource Center, where half the people treat the meetings like a personal conversion camp and the other treat it like a singles night.
Regardless of how these new programs pan out, it’s a good thing the university terminated useless degrees like African and Diaspora Studies to better fund these new resource centers.
Maybe KSU will offer a B.A. in White Mediocrity or a B.S. in Patriarchy and Weaponized Incompetence instead.
