Office of The Onion on The Hill in Boulder, Colorado. February, 2009. Photo Credit: David Shankbone
[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements, and statistics are fabricated.]
On Dec. 8, 2025, The Onion announced that the US-based satirical media company is changing its policy on research. This includes the company doing away with the practice of giving each writer their own Magic 8 Ball.
“It was a hard decision, but the use of Magic 8 Balls to write articles has become irrelevant,” said The Onion CEO Ben Collins.
When asked why it was irrelevant, Collins simply laughed and said, “My company is a real news company now.”
This comment mirrors sentiments that are found on social media comments on posts published by The Onion. Mainly on posts linking to articles about US politics, especially regarding the Trump administration.
For example, on YouTube, a user called Onionlover395 commented on a The Onion article about the White House being remodeled to be made of mozzarella cheese. The user said, “Even though I have not read the article, I thought this was real at first.”
When asked how research will be conducted now, Collins said, “The Onion will operate like many other media companies that cover politics. We will do real research which is necessary to create click-bait.”
“Making real news articles for the purpose of getting views is an awesome trend. If people have a different perception of reality, that’s on them—not the media,” explained Collins.
“Soon US news will become the new The Onion, and we will be the reliable newscasters.”
However, not everyone is happy with the changes being made at The Onion.
The Onion writer Justin Vidalia stated, “We writers are going to be overworked. Satire requires little effort and talent, so doing really research is going to be exhausting. At The Onion, it’s not like we are required to keep up on current events or write something meaningful”.
Vidalia went on to explain that satire is just writing silly memes and that the Magic 8 Balls help with the randomness.
“Yeah, we just ask the Magic 8 Balls questions about US politicians and that’s how we write articles. We just write to make people laugh. It’s not like satire is supposed to have a message,” Vidalia commented.
“Politics are so normal right now. It’s not like some unamerican country that ban books, jails innocent people for no reason or makes citizens suffer economically”, continued Vidalia.
Vidalia was later contacted for further comments but was found missing.
The Onion now has an opening for a new writer and is offering to sell Magic 8 Balls to readers.
