[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements, and statistics are fabricated.]
Robert F. Kennedy is willing to fight vaccines, bring back deadly diseases, seduce senators, and support raw milk, parasitic worms, injectable bleach, and magic.
Well-known raw milk supporter and parasitic worm aficionado Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has brought in new and exciting ideas that will “make America healthy again” after being confirmed as Health and Human Services secretary.
One of Kennedy’s most innovative plans to bring health back to the nation is his proposal to conduct a one-man war against vaccines and other types of modern medicine. In particular, Kennedy wants to fight childhood vaccines that prevent diseases that 100 years ago wreaked havoc across the nation.
This return to ancient times is scary, but in truth, could create exciting opportunities.
“I’m most excited about tuberculosis making a comeback,” A KSU student said. “It’s like so historic. It is not every day that we can experience what it was like living 100 years ago.”
In a recent press conference, Kennedy said that he is working with “the very top of the top scientists” to come up with even more ideas and find alternatives to vaccines. At the moment, the suggestions given by Kennedy and his scientists include inhaling Febreze, eating magic quartz, and praying to Mictlantecuhtli, the Aztec god of the dead.
At this same conference, Kennedy also pulled out a giant graph that seemed to suggest that raw milk might be the answer to immortality. A senator claimed to be initially skeptical of the graph but said that they were convinced of its validity when Kennedy winked seductively at them from across the room.
All these ideas show just how different Kennedy will be from the previous secretaries of Health and Human Services. Various online communities have expressed excitement over what this new wave thinking could mean for the country.
“We’ve never seen such a good vessel to spread our ideas before,” Reddit user I_know_where_they_hide_the_Mothman wrote in a post. “Before, these kinds of ideas would only spread to those people who were online. Now, we have a public figure actively supporting our theories, and sometimes, he even makes his own stuff up! This could change everything.”
Some worry that Kennedy’s rise might come at the cost of the American people’s ability to vacation internationally, as not every nation is willing to partake in a historically accurate re-enactment of the dark ages.
However, America must look to the future. Soon we will have exciting opportunities to study eradicated diseases, and profit from booming markets, selling anything from magic rocks to injectable bleach.
