Parody image of West Parking deck replaced by a Starbucks. October 22nd, 2025. Photo Credit: Google Maps
[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements, and statistics are fabricated.]
KSU prides itself on prioritizing student concerns, especially when it comes to parking. To continue this progress, KSU has found the perfect solution to raising morale: turning West Deck into a third Starbucks.
Rather than overwhelm students with more parking options, piling more decisions on their plate, the President’s office proposed that the single cure to this solution was to take away parking spots.
They say this will not only encourage KSU owls to socialize on campus, but will also invite more students to grow closer to faculty by developing crippling coffee addictions just like their professors.
Who needs parking when you can carpool together?
The university also wants to prioritize student academics, and nothing screams efficiency like sipping a pumpkin spice latte and looking performative in a coffee shop with “Crime and Punishment.” Watch out English majors, this new addition may threaten your niche aesthetic.
However, this new Starbucks has sparked some controversy alongside the sea of positivity. The five people who park at West Deck are up in arms over the termination of their parking spots.
They’ve formed a sparse but fierce picket line near the social sciences building. In fact, if you’re on the west side of campus and everyone stops what they are doing, the wind stops blowing and all other noise ceases, then you might be able to hear them yelling from their soap boxes.
If you see these peeved humanities majors, arthouse coffee shop lattes in hand, avoid topics surrounding transportation and infrastructure at all costs. The only way to get back in their good graces is to discuss the consequences of late-stage capitalism and the cultural significance of brat summer.
In student interviews, several political science majors played devil’s advocate, stating that freshmen get lost all the time, so a third Starbucks increases the chances of these clueless students finding the store.
Psychology majors argue that the third Starbucks is an appeasement from the university and refuse to fall for their Pavlovian tactics. Conflict management majors are in tears over this discourse, stating, “This is a moral failing of society.”
When professors were questioned on their opinions, they came up with the very simple solution to cancel their classes for the rest of the year. Many of these educators have already been spotted barhopping around the Kennesaw area.
Despite the very strategic plans for this new Starbucks, some students feel the university will not stop until every parking deck has been gentrified.
In a press release, President Kathy Schwaig assured students that her highest priority is her top-dollar parking spot, and she wouldn’t dream of robbing KSU owls of their nest–unless there’s a donation that tells her to break ground.
Let’s hope no one donates millions to see Central Deck turned into a McDonald’s, vintage playground and all.
Regardless of the university’s response to the third installment of a Starbucks, this addition gives students an outlet to displace their anger away from bureaucracy and instead yell at the 21-year-old behind the counter who forgot to add the sweet cream they asked for.
Sadly, students don’t appreciate what they have until it’s turned into a Starbucks.
