[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements, and statistics are fabricated.]
Waffle House finds a cure for bird flu and attempts to nuke a guy.
Public support for a Waffle House government takeover skyrocketed following the company’s initiative to hire government officials laid off by The Department of Government Efficiency to combat the rise in egg prices.
On Feb. 4, Waffle House Inc. announced a 50-cent surcharge on eggs due to the rising prices caused by the H5 bird flu virus. However, customers across the country soon began protesting in the restaurant’s parking lots at 3 a.m., stating that the price increases indicated the death of all the values the company had once stood for. In an unprecedented move never seen before in American corporations, the higher-ups at the company felt empathy and began to make changes.
“We understand now the effects this decision had on everyone,” said a company spokesperson. “This is not what Waffle House is about. We cannot guarantee that our line cook didn’t sweat over the food being served, but we must guarantee that our prices will stay the same.”
Waffle House’s plan to combat bird flu began on Feb. 9, when recruiters for the company sent emails to more than 2,000 Agricultural Department employees who had been fired by DOGE. The email, which news articles have begun calling The Waffle House Manifesto, included a detailed plan to combat the virus, a call for a “new world order based on Roman-style arena battles,” and a recipe for apple-cinnamon waffles.
After receiving the email, many of the ex-government employees expressed excitement as the wages and benefits given by Waffle House far surpassed those of their previous jobs. Most employees immediately accepted the offer from Waffle House, but one man was not happy with the email.
“We cannot allow this plan by Waffle House to come to fruition. I will not accept this new world order. I will not bow down to a fast-food restaurant,” said Steve Duerford.
However, the response to the idea of a Waffle House-ran government continues to gain support across the nation, especially when on March 8, the company announced that a cure for bird flu had successfully been created and approved. The vaccine came to be after one of the new hires found a colony of bacterial mold growing in one of the waffle irons after a customer complained about spinach on his breakfast.
Following the success of this endeavor, the company has announced that it will look to hire more government employees affected by DOGE. Currently, emails have been sent to officials fired from the Department of Homeland Security and the Department of Energy.
With these new hires, Waffle House hopes to gain access to nuclear weapons in order to defend against Duerford.
