[Disclaimer: This article is written for satirical purpose only. All interviews, statements, and statistics are fabricated.]
President Donald Trump, under scrutiny from European allies and some U.S. government officials, apologizes to Prime Minister Volodymyr Zelensky after a heated White House meeting, via text.
After weeks of contemplation and serious debate with best friend and Vice President JD Vance, President Donald Trump decided to reach out to Prime Minister Volodymyr Zelenzky via text message to discuss the heated conversation the two had over American aid to Ukraine.
According to close colleagues of Trump, he was seen “pacing” around his room before Vance took his phone and pressed send for him, which states “Hi Volodymyr. I’m sorry about what happened the other day, even though I don’t think I did anything wrong.”
Zelenskyy responded to Trump, writing “This is typical of you. You cannot just pretend to apologize and be passive aggressive. I didn’t do anything wrong. ”
Reports from Vance reveal that the conversation only heated up more after that text message. Trump replied, “You’re just too sensitive. Putin agreed with me that you were out of line,” to which Zelenskyy responded with, “You’re always bringing up Putin. It’s always Putin this, Putin that. Why can’t it just be about us for once.”
Trump reportedly replied with “There is nothing wrong with my relationship with Putin. You’re acting crazy, which is exactly how this all started.” After that text message, Vance said that Trump received an incoming call from Zelensky, and Vance was asked to leave the room to “give them some privacy.”
The phone call was overheard by White House officials, who reported that they first heard “angry shouts,” but around ten minutes after the call started, began hearing “giggles” and Trump using “pet names.”
Kennesaw State University students commented on this new development in American international diplomacy with Ukraine, with one anonymous student saying “They’re more hot and cold than me and my boyfriend.” She continued, “I mean, I guess I understand it. Long distance must be hard for them.”
JD Vance, after leaving Trump’s room, told reporters he felt “unneeded” now that Trump “had Zelensky” again.
“I kind of feel like a second choice. Just because I can’t give Trump everything Zelenksy can doesn’t mean I’m worthless,” Said Vance.
Vance also told reporters “I mean, who was there for him in that meeting? I stood up for him. I stood up for America. I spend every moment as Vice President trying to make Donald happy but he never appreciates me.”
After wiping a tear from his eye, he continued, “I don’t even recognize myself sometimes. I feel used.”
Vance was spotted then slowly walking away from Trump’s bedroom, only after pausing with his hand “longingly” posed at the door, as if he was going to knock, but decided not to.
After the phone call ended, Trump told officials that the two had reconciled, and reported that diplomacy with Ukraine and America were to be “better than ever before.”
