Finally, the void in our hearts has been filled with the return of the Jonas Brothers and their new single, “Sucker.” For every gushing millennial who loved the band’s curly locks back in 2007, the Jonas Brothers’ reunion is now the answer to all of our prayers.
It was just another day when the trio stepped back into our lives to announce their return. Instantly, worldwide productivity halted and the sounds of shrieking fans could be heard from every corner of the Earth.
Our favorite boys did not bother waiting for joyful tears to dry before they mentioned that their newest single would be released the next day. That’s right — out of the blue, Nick, Joe and Kevin are back and they already have new music within 24 hours of publicly reuniting.
A movement of college students everywhere reverting to their middle-school selves has become viral. A 2009 Jonas Brothers t-shirt is now the only appropriate look for class and apartment walls will suffocate under millions of copies of Jonas magazine posters.
“I was like no way!” ecstatic sophomore nursing major Elizabeth Villatoro said. “They were my first loves and I feel like I’ve been thrown back into my childhood romance. My heart is burning up and sending out an S.O.S. for these boys!”
However, there is a new obstacle for fan girls — the wives. According to the 10-year-old lipstick stains on our Jonas posters, the boys have always been betrothed to their biggest fans. Nick Jonas’ wife, Priyanka Chopra, better watch out for the competition — even if she was Miss Universe and her wedding veil was ten miles long.
Their new song, however, is only half of the fun. Their music video features the brothers all grown up and flaunting lines heavy with innuendos. No more sideburns or Disney shows for today’s fans. To their delight, the Jonas Brothers have moved on to Versailles-style stages and form-fitting, pastel slacks.
Nick Jonas does not seem interested in just music, however. He said in an interview with U.S. News that he has always wanted to be president. If there is anyone that can get Jonas 2040 a reality, it is the army of passionate women behind him. That is exactly when the Jonas fan-base needs, not only staggering numbers but overwhelming power, too.
When asked how she feels about the return of the Jonas Brothers, sophomore nursing major Kelly Kozusko said that she was “so shocked! Does this mean that One Direction is coming back too? Big Time Rush? Bring all the pretty boys back!”
While there is no news about other deceased boy bands blessing us with their return, there is plenty of Nick, Joe and Kevin to go around.
For now, do not be alarmed when you see college students sobbing at red lights. They are only listening to “Sucker” on repeat on their car radios, dreaming of seeing the Jonas Brothers together and in person once again. Nick, Joe and Kevin — thank you for bringing meaning into our lives again.
