Editor’s note: this article is meant to be satire, not to be mistaken for real news.
In a surprising turn of events, Kennesaw State University announced that they will be converting our favorite and only green space on campus into a new, much-needed parking deck.
The decision came on the tail-end of a realization that students would be unable to leave their cars on the side of I-75 once the rest of the parking decks filled up.
The deck will be 15 stories high, making it not only the largest parking deck in the state of Georgia but one of the most amazing installations of contemporary architecture in the entire Southeast. Early estimates state that the popularity of “The Deck” might almost surpass the Big Chicken in Marietta.
Another fascinating feature accompanying “The Deck” will be its lack of elevators. Due to past governmental policies, the university is attempting to promote student health and wellness by forcing students to climb every level of the parking deck.
Paired with the lack of elevators will be KSU’s usual lack of security cameras within their parking decks. This will help create an additional 15,000 square feet of dark space where students can walk through without the protection of security cameras or where their cars can be keyed if parked poorly, with no repercussions.
Despite being able to house over 20,000 vehicles, the university said on Monday that the rising rate of enrollment at KSU will still supersede its new base of parking by about 3,000 oversized, Ford pickup trucks.
We spoke to a Department of Road and Vehicular Travel supervisor at the Department of Road and Vehicular Travel to ask why the university did not intend to expand “The Deck” even more to accommodate the growing student body.
“Well, we could just add on two floors to accommodate more cars, but students should have to put in some effort to get their degree and a spot in the morning,” the supervisor said.
The Sentinel pressed for more information but were told that the university would prefer the information to come out in its usual fashion: six months after all decisions have been made.
The infrastructure announcement kicks off a week of overspending for the university. The Sentinel spoke with The Office in Charge to find out what was in store next for the university and they said that they honestly were not sure, but would make sure to include it in the monthly “campus update” email.
The Office, which overlooks The Green, seemed to be saddened by the construction of the new parking facility. They told The Sentinel that they would miss looking out over the university, knowing that everything the light touched was theirs. When asked if they loved “The Lion King,” they declined to comment.
The Sentinel had to know whether parking policy would be affected by this next space and found the answer to be: nope, you will still get ticketed no matter what.
