President-elect Donald Trump has added yet another questionable name to his list of cabinet appointments, sparking more controversy just before the holidays.
“I’ve decided to appoint Krampus as head of the United States Children Services,” Trump said at a press conference held in Trump Tower.
Krampus is the demon of folklore charged with punishing children who misbehave, although he gave a statement this week claiming he was “excited to be part of an even more devious cause.”
Trump clarified his decision during the press conference.
“Trust me, we have got a problem,” Trump said. “Children running around with sticky fingers and germs. It’s disgusting. Just disgusting. Believe me, this is a real problem folks, and nobody can solve this problem like I can. Believe me.”
He also outlined his administration’s plan for handling America’s children.
“We know that Krampus will be in charge of rounding up children, but we don’t know what we will do with them yet,” Trump said. “So you could say we’ve got a pretty sound plan.”
Krampus spent most of his time during the press conference attacking the policies of his rival, “Crooked Claus,” who was passed over for the position.
“I have faith that Trump will bring the American people together,” Krampus said. “There has never been such a uniformly disliked candidate in the nation.”
Trump has plenty of personal experience working with demons, considering some of his friends on Wall Street.
Still, many Americans question what Trump actually plans to do with children in the country. Bill O’Diely, a political analyst from Apocalypse Now News, has a few ideas.
“If Trump is smart he will put them to use,” he said. “There are many jobs that millions of American children could do — like building a giant wall, perhaps. These kids are lying around all day waiting on their parents to make them food and provide them with emotional support. They’re lazy and should be put to work!”
Yet other commentators feel differently.
“Trump would never subject American children to those conditions!” exclaimed Tomi Baloney from Apocalypse Now News. “He’s way too moral for that! Trump only uses the labor of foreign children.”
Others are calling for immediate deportation of all children while some are suggesting they be jailed at mass rates. Some in the Trump administration have taken the high road, suggesting that the government should only strip away all of their legal rights.
Regardless of what Trump decides to do, I’m sure it will be a well-thought-out choice.
“I’m excited to move into this period of diversity and inclusion,” Krampus said. “In our cabinet, we have an entire woman! And I’ve heard that one of our member’s cousins might be gay!”
There is no doubt, folks: the Trump administration will be a shining example of human rights and American diversity.
