By: Mike Foster
This article was retrieved by The Sentinel from an anonymous source from the future, thanks to time-travel technology available to us through the SPSU merger. Our source said the only thing smoking on campus is the football team, which we think is good news.
In another wave of ambitious policy making from the Board of Regents of the University System of Georgia, next Tuesday will be the last day students at Kennesaw State University and other schools in the peach state can order pizza, calzones, or breadsticks to school buildings, dorms or on-campus apartments. This new pizza ban has come just a year after the board banned all uses of tobacco products, including smokeless tobacco and vapor pens, on campuses.
While I understand that pizza is terrible for your health, as it leads to heart disease, the number one killer in America, I believe this ban from the Board of Regents is over-reaching, and is another step in a slippery-slope of reactive, domino-effect policies that will put more than just the local Dominos, itself, in jeopardy .
Think about our post-commons ice cream trips. Think about them.
Dr. Samuel Pepper, who has devoted his professional career to understanding the health effects of pizza, says the ban has its benefits.
“Kids just wouldn’t stop inadvertently walking into other people’s pizza,” Pepper said. “Even the plastic pizzas that some kids were electing to use to taper off real pizza were becoming a hazard, as classmates would break their teeth on them.”
It is distracting when kids pull out fake pizza slices in class, but can’t we mind our own business? As far as the pizza sections are concerned, I feel like having designated pizza sections that aren’t next to the busiest sidewalks on campus, like right next to the pathway from the library to the Social Science building, could help prevent second-hand ‘za time.
Freshman Eric Smellers didn’t know he was violating rules when he was removed from KSU 1101 for eating Bagel Bites.
“I had no idea,” Smellers said. “I went for a mid-class nib and next thing I knew I was in Papp’s office. It’s actually a nice view from there.”
Another freshman, Toppingsa Matthews, is shocked that she’s just now being told pizza is bad for her.
“I mean, I was forced to eat pizza for four years at my public school cafeteria before coming here,” she said .
The reason for the ban? The system wants to create a safer environment for professors, students and faculty, citing health concerns that were compromising employee insurance policies as a reason to make everyone suffer.
Kimberly Crust, a sophomore who commutes from Roswell every day, said she’s been struggling with pizza withdrawals, which have been compounded by the fact she has to walk all the way to Central Deck from the Social Sciences Building to drive to Greenhouse Village, just off campus, to get a few noms in between class.
Greenhouse Village’s manager, who chose to remain anonymous, said the overwhelming smell of Parmesan has become bothersome to children of tenants in the area: “(expletive) this (expletive) man. I don’t even like Parmesan.”
What’s next? As it turns out, the Board of Regents has begun preliminary discussions on whether or not ice cream cones should be banned on campus because kids can’t eat them fast enough when walking outside, causing their scoops to melt away.
I tried to dig deep and see if any other harmful products being consumed on campus were problematic, and found that the soda machines on campus could be next in line.
I sat down with Diane Betick with student health services to discuss the safety of sugary drinks, now that tobacco and stuffed crusts have been axed.
“No, we’re keeping Coke. They give us money,” Betick said.
To me, the biggest issue in all of this is that the University System of Georgia has alienated business owners who set up shop near the state’s largest campus—now with an enrollment of 71,000—expecting huge returns during the weekend.
“Kids pick up cigs, which leads to a little Mary Jane and then they pick up the phone and call us. It’s been our business model for years, and now our drivers have to sneak through emergency exits and exchange with the customer in bathroom stalls on campus. Of course I’m pissed,” a local shop owner said.
“Yeah, the stalls here all smell like pizza,” one student said. “In fact, my dorm walls are covered in grease and cheese. This is school property, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do.”
