SATIRE: Emergency backup goalie executes win for the Jerks

The Carolina Jerks beat the Toronto Buds after a series of goalie changes Tuesday night in Toronto.

The 6-3 win came following an apparent injury to the Jerks starting goaltender in the first period. During a timeout, their goalie disappeared into the tunnel, never returning.

Soon after, the Jerks backup goaltender also appeared to sustain an injury, leaving early in the second period. Neither goaltender was available for comment after the game.

“I haven’t seen them yet,” head coach Bod Rind’amour said. “I’m sure we’ll get an update on them soon.”

After losing both goaltenders, the team had to activate the Emergency Back-Up Goaltender (EBUG) provided to them by the Buds.

In the NHL the EBUG is provided by the home team. The goalie coming into the game was rumored to have been an employee of the Buds, but players were unsure of what position he might have held in the organization.

It was learned after the game that the goalie worked as a Zamboni driver for a minor league affiliate.

When the EBUG came into the game, the score was 3-1 Jerks. With an inexperienced non-professional goalie coming into net, the Buds saw an opportunity open.

“You know, historically, when we see anything that’s 3-1 we tend to freeze up a bit,” Buds forward Hitch Marnie said. “But the guy we’re shooting at is like a 40-something-year-old Zamboni driver. So like, if we blow this we’re dead.”

The Buds were able to get two more goals in the game, but the Jerks defense scrambled to protect their new goalie and were largely successful in doing so.

With this being the last game on a long road trip for the Jerks, they were happy to come out on top with a win, especially given the circumstances.

“We just tried to stick to our game,” Jerks defenseman Hayley Flurry said. “It’s always hard when a new guy comes in but he was giving it his all. It even looked like he got a little banged up on a play, had some blood on him or something.”

This game is also the last before the trade deadline tomorrow afternoon. With both of the Jerks goaltenders indisposed, many are wondering what their GM may do tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Buds GM Dyle Kubas is looking to wash his hands of a bad loss.

“I think they did what needed to be done,” said Kubas, “It’s just one game, I’m concerned with things that will have permanent effects later in the season.”

The EBUG was briefly available for comment after the game, before leaving to take care of ice maintenance.

“This is something everybody dreams of,” EBUG said. “I was just saying earlier today that I would kill for a chance like this.”

We await word on the conditions of the Jerks two goaltenders.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *