SATIRE: Imagination takes hold while pandemic postpones Masters

SATIRE: Imagination takes hold while pandemic postpones Masters

While the sports world waits in agony to open back up from the current coronavirus pandemic, athletes and fans alike are trying to find ways to reflect on and continue their passions.

Golf’s most prestigious tournament — The Masters — was scheduled to occur last week but did not fall as an exception to the recent mass postponement of events, and is now set to be held in November.

In the meantime, those who still wish to revel in all of Augusta National Golf Club’s glory will have the next seven months to construct their own version of the course at home. With a putter in hand, every square foot of the home can be utilized to emulate the range of features at Augusta National.

In place of the usual festivities that go along with the Masters Tournament, golf fans all around the world will be filling the void at home by watching the glorious moments of past Masters tournaments that are sure to be re-aired — from Arnold Palmer’s controversial first green jacket in 1958, to Jack Nicklaus’s final triumph in 1986 and Tiger Woods’s destruction of the field in 1997.

Creating a course course at home can enhance the nostalgia brought forth by past tournaments and make good use of one’s imagination, especially considering the strict television broadcasting rules enforced on the first two days of the tournament.

Feel free to dress up as any number of memorable Masters faces — perhaps founder Bobby Jones’ knickerbocker trousers or the iconic “Sunday red” of Woods.

The tournament begins where the interior of the home begins — in the foyer. The opening hole, “Tea Olive,” serves as the backdrop for a challenging dogleg right into the downstairs office. Make sure to avoid the deep file cabinet bunker in order to reach the undulating shag carpet green in regulation.

Once back onto the hardwood fairway, the first eagle opportunity of the day presents itself at the par-5 “Pink Dogwood.” Make sure to use the width of the living room to set up an approach shot, but beware of the reclining sofa hazards that line either side of the green.

While traversing the environs of the front nine, avoiding the water hazards of the kitchen sink and toilet, take a break to try the classic Masters snack — a pimento cheese sandwich. This simple-yet-effective fuel will prepare a person well to face the treacherous Amen Corner of the back nine.

First up is the elongated “White Dogwood,” which can only be conquered by carefully placing a long, controlled fade around the corner of the dining room and toward the stairs. If the shot finds the dining room chairs and table, one may have to make a great escape reminiscent of Phil Mickelson.

Once upstairs, one will immediately have a dangerous par-3 hole that must clear the Rae’s Creek hallway before reaching the master bedroom green. The final hole of Amen Corner is the risky yet picturesque “Azalea,” in which one must traverse the size of the bedroom and be mindful of obstacles like dirty laundry, DVD racks and stacks of old magazines.

Eventually, the beautiful and final hole “Holly” will be reached. In most homes, this hole is located at the garage and must be played carefully so as to avoid damaging cars to the left and right. After teeing off, it is customary to take in the sights and sounds of the course and tip one’s cap to the loyal patrons laughing from inside.

In the end, all of the course’s difficulty is worth making it to the final green, where the garage doors open and sunlight shines through as the final putt is made into the downspout.

Related Posts